The Uterus Gnome, a Cautionary Tale

No sign of my period. Just two maddening streaks of pink two days ago.  Don’t worry, the internet has informed me that:  implantation bleeding doesn’t exist. That it exists only right before your period. That it can happen as early as 3 days post ovulation.  That only 30% of women get it. That NO women get it. That it should be pink. That it should be brown. That it’s probably a miscarriage. That it’s a really good sign! That it’s a myth like the Easter Bunny or the Hogfather.

What the haters DON’T provide is any other possible explanation as to what it could be. I’m pretty much an expert at having periods. And that wasn’t a period. Perhaps a gnome crawled its way in there. Warm and cozy place my uterus is, it decided to take a bubble bath in cervical mucus. But it prefers pink mucus so it slashed at my insides with its tiny rapier until it bled just a titch.  Then when it had finished reading Cosgnomepolitan it drained its tiny pink bath.

Actually, that’s pretty awesome. I’m totally using that as a bedtime story for my kid once I get one.  It’s no less creepy than traditional fairy tales, that’s certain.

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