Yesterday morning was one of those mornings reserved almost exclusively for tender, emotional teenagers who have just broken up with their first love the night before. When waking, the realization of what happened instantly consumes you and the hope of yesterday is gone and you’re left wondering what you did wrong and why you felt the way you felt before.
Only this heartbreak had 100 x more sex than my teenage ones.
Yesterday afternoon was spent waiting for a call back from the nurse. I desired to know whether I had received a quantitative blood test–in which case they could say with a certainty that I am not pregnant. Or a qualitative blood test, which may leave some wiggleroom if we tested too early (doubtful, but I was in denial). Six hours later, Nurse Condescending Pants calls me back and treats me like an idiot for asking a simple question. “Quantitative. You’re not having pregnancy symptoms,” she sneered. As if I had called to prove her wrong or something, when all I asked for was the number. Which was > 1. “Is that just their way of saying ‘zero’?” I asked, whereupon she cracked up. Burst out laughing. I hate her.
Then I was off to set up for my friend’s birthday party which was a diorama-rama in which each guest gave the birthday girl the gift of knowledge. Yes, we’re an odd bunch… It’s not her fault that her birthday fell on such a shitty day for me, so I tried to suck it up as best as I good. Unfortunately, my inlaws (who I normally adore) and my other friend’s 4 month old twins (who I also normally adore) were there.
The combination of inlaws and babies was explosive. MIL hogged one twin all night and baby-talked and cooed non freaking stop for over an hour. She refered to herself as “grandma, no not really” which spawned the requisite “YEAH YOU TWO! WHY DON’T YOU GUYS HAVE A BABY?” funny-ha-ha jokes from the crowd.
Then my FIL’s diorama was literally a how-to guide in donuts about human sexual reproduction. Bad enough without his commentary:
“Well, for some of the young marrieds here who may not know this, to be considered a biological success you must……?” He waited expectantly for the 3 childless couples and one infertile couple who conceived their twins through many years of struggling and IVF.
“Reproduce,” we all chanted like whipped puppies.
And that’s why yesterday was an epic shit fest.