You’re Standing on My Neck

I decided on the hippie midwives. They’ve been great. Like telling me I could come in and check on the heartbeat without me even being an official patient yet. The exam room is a bedroom with soft lights and and a seriously comfy full-sized bed. Husband found a bag of beach rocks and gave me a smooth one with strange sand-speckled holes to worry over. It helped calm me down a little. As did the dim lighting and having my husband hang out on the bed with me.

At 10 weeks I was really hoping the baby would put me out of my freaking misery and give us a heartbeat. No dice.  The doppler wand was probably just lost in my grand forest of pubes, whose maintenance and grooming have lately fallen to the bottom of my priorities list.  The midwife thought she found it for half a second, but then it was gone. We’re just as in limbo as we were yesterday. And I had to expose the top of my ill groomed pelvis. Thank God this is the hippie birth center–I’m sure they’ve seen worse.

Baby, if you survive this, we’re going to have words. I might just sing the Daria theme song until you get embarrassed to be with me.

As for symptoms, I’ve been queasy but haven’t vomited. I was ludicrously tired until about a week ago. I continue to spot brownish tissuey stuff. Not clots, mind you. Just feathery, gloopy brown or pink tissue every week or so. I’m sick to death of it. I’m constantly worried that I’ll have a missed miscarriage. It happens to way too many women, all of whom seem to post on my Baby Center board. One woman’s ultrasound showed no heartbeat at 7 weeks and at 13 weeks she had still not miscarried naturally.  I pray daily this will not be my fate.

The midwife asked me  whether I “feel” pregnant. I don’t know. Yeah, my nips feel like they’ve spent the weekend at an S&M convention, but otherwise, I don’t feel pregnant. I don’t even know what it means to feel pregnant. Right now I feel like a pessimist with an inflatable chest.  We’ve been watching a lot of Daria lately, and it struck me that if you attached Daria’s head to Brittany’s body, I would have my 10 week pregnancy photo, right there:

Wow. The likeness is incredible. Especially in the boobal region. Thanks to the Husband for his quick photoshopping. But there should probably be a little Quinn in there too. After a couple months of complete frugality, I frivolously spent about $100 today on things to make myself feel better:

First we had a gorgeous dinner with friends sharing French onion soup, cheese fondue, crepes and paninis. Then, even though we were about to burst, we went to the Patisserie for dessert. I got a Josephine. It was an incredibly dainty puff pastry that was baked to caramelized crispy perfection and filled with a rich vanilla custard. IN. CREDIBLE. I also got a shortbread cookie drowned in caramel, dipped in dark chocolate….you know…for the road.

Then, when I got home, I found a new 3 mHz doppler online for $55 bucks.  It has a back-lit digital readout which lights up when you find the heartbeat. It has buttons and settings. It was FDA approved. It came with gel AND batteries. It had free shipping. It quickly became mine. Dinner was an indulgence; but I consider the doppler an investment in my own sanity. Worse comes to worst, I’m sure I can sell it for at least $55.

2 thoughts on “You’re Standing on My Neck

  1. 😦 sorry there’s still no reassurance. Fingers are crossed and prayers being offered.
    I had to stop reading and think for a few after I read the title, “now which ’90s cartoon is that from?” Got it pretty fast, love Daria! Happy to see it’s on Hulu!

    • Thank you so much for your prayers. Seriously.

      I had a really awful seminary teacher once who, without ANY REASON WHATSOEVER, informed me she was fasting for me. I think she thought I was a heathen because I openly mocked her teaching. I was a brat. But it wasn’t fast worthy. At that time I was SURE that being prayed over was not to be desired.

      But you and others have prayed so much for us during this pregnancy. And I swear that it has made a difference. If not for my body, then for my attitude. I’ve been generally okay with whatever happens. Several weeks ago I was an inconsolable puddle.

      So thanks everyone. And yes, Daria is freaking fabulous.

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