OKAY! Sorry for the real time updates. I realize this is not freaking Twitter, BUT

After I sat down and wrote my deservedly emo blog post and ate a Java Twix (don’t judge–it has less caffeine than dark chocolate), I decided that the thing I wanted to do most (DESPITE my husband’s stern reprimands not to) was to play with my doppler while I still had a baby inside me. I figured I could miscarry at any moment at the rate I’m bleeding. This might be my last chance to feel like I’m pregnant and get excited.

I invited the flatulent dog on the bed with me. Pets decrease your heart rate. I figured this was true even of flatulent pets, and I was right. I found my iliac with my fancy digital read doppler, pumping away at 90. This made locating skippier heartbeats much easier.  I closed my eyes and just tried to hear for the baby. After a couple of minutes, I heard indistinct but loud galloping noises and when I opened my eyes, sure enough, the doppler read 157.

I called my husband to share the news but had already lost it. So I set out to find it again. I cranked the volume and he heard it–that galloping noise. Which today was super indistinct, the beats weren’t easily distinguishable to my ears, but the doppler read 157-153 for a full 15-20 seconds. But I think the baby doesn’t like it. After each of the three times I caught the heartbeat, it hold steady for at least10 seconds then it would fade. Then the screen would suddenly read 150, 145, 140, 134…. I’m guessing the little one doesn’t like it much, and is swimming away. Dwwaaaa…

I’m sorry baby. If I were 100% a nice mom, I would leave you alone in there. It’s clear you don’t like it, and I totally get that. I wouldn’t want sound waves hitting me when I’m trying to nap. I sleep with earplugs. But you know what I don’t like, fetus? Bleeding profusely and spotting tissue all the freaking time while I’m supposed to be pregnant. So put a word in with the big guy and ask him to stop the insanity. PLLLEEEASE. Until then, I’m going to find your heart every freaking day so I can freaking sleep at night and get freaking excited about your arrival instead of freaking worried about freaking miscarriage. GOT IT?

Okay. So $55 doppler =  best purchase ever.

9 thoughts on “HOLD THE PHONE!

  1. But we HEARD it! I don’t know if the excitement of this fact is fully clear. All the worry about a missed miscarriage and the constant malaise over baby-related topics is hereby stomped by my baby’s rock-awesome 150’s heartbeat. Take that, emo moping! After hearing it, I negotiated AnotherMaternityBlogger down to 90% less fretting. She tried to hold out at 80%, but I called her bluff.

    It’s official. We can be excited now. (though I already have a healthy head start, can you tell?

    • You SO did not call my bluff. I never agreed to 90%. YOU HAVE NO WITNESSES! And furthermore, I wouldn’t. Because I’m apparently a mom now. And that’s what we do. I agreed to no more than a 50% decrease and while other numbers may have been thrown around that’s the number which was settled upon. I would also like to point out that as an oregon attorney, my signed statements are good in a court of law. I can sign my own affidavit. YOU, on the other hand would need to get yours notarized.

      Goodnight, love. Puppy and I will spoon without you. 😦

  2. Ok, I feel slightly awkward posting after you guy’s little love notes, but I’ll power through!
    Yay!!!! Such good news!
    Since your baby likes to hide from all the attention, seem like it’s more of a Daria than a Quinn!

  3. I’m glad you guys found the heartbeat. It is great sound and I remember hearing our child’s heartbeat the first time. As for husband, as a fellow husband of a chronic worrying pregnant woman, run with the 50% it is likely the best offer you can get. I feel like I’m in a mediation with a client insisting on primary physical custody when an offer of 50/50 is on the table knowing full well that the chance of primary physical is next to nothing. Take it.

    However, if you can get more, don’t worry too much about your inability to sign a statement without notarization. I’m willing to offer my notary services at not charge. Unfortunately, my notary abilities only extend within the borders of the State of Utah. If I cross over the border, I lose all ability to look at an ID, sign, and stamp a piece of paper.

  4. See, I don’t know. In your message to me last night you mentioned that Husband “made [you] promise to stop fretting by at least 90%” which could indicate that said promise had already been made. Although the “made [you]” part might hint at some level of coercion or duress. Or at the very least some kind of pushy vacuum salesperson.

    (Attorney-husband wants me to also point out, on the other other hand, that said message was not evidence of a finalized agreement, yadda yadda, good grief we are getting nerdy now.)

    At any rate, congratulations again. We are thrilled for you folks and for little 157.

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