Despite what I thought I heard, my bleeding got worse. My cramps started yesterday afternoon and progressed to contractions by late evening. It was agony. My husband drove home to help me, and we cried on each other all night. I passed the sac and clots and so much blood, my house looked like a Dexter crime scene. I remember thinking that the blood itself was such a pretty color in my white bowl, and I meant it. Despite the gruesomeness of the ordeal, it was dignified and spiritual.  I was glad to miscarry at home with my husband. I was thinking I wanted this child born here. So it seemed a fitting end.

When we could handle it no longer, we quit. We turned on Daria and grabbed snacks and I basically ignored the fact that I was laboring over a shallow bowl. We made inappropriate jokes. Eventually the bleeding slowed down. I sent Husband to the store to pick up MegaPads–life rafts, really. We stayed up late talking about funny things my family did while he was staying there without me. It was incredibly amusing to see them through his lens. Things I wouldn’t have thought to report on because they were so normal to ME were the subject of much amusement. Like dad’s veggie surprise that he’s been making for two years and thinks we’re all still surprised. Or my little brother’s practical jokes. Or how much fun my sister is. We eventually drifted off to sleep.

In the morning I called my old doctor’s office and they scheduled an ultrasound. They really should have a separate waiting room for the grievers. I felt like a bit of a spectacle sobbing in my pajamas in a room crowded with visibly pregnant bellies and babies. I don’t begrudge pregnant women. There were just so many of them and I definitely felt like an outsider.

Then we went home. Had a good cry. Will probably have several more. And we’re in a weird mood of getting stuff done. Cleaning. Purging the visible spaces of the house from pregnancy items. Washing up from the night before. (TALK about toilet stains).

My husband is unquestionably my everything. In the middle of the worst of it we both talked about how we were just happy we had eachother.

My dog is a true friend. She was attuned to my needs, staying at the foot of my bed and occasionally coming in for a snuggle. Amazingly, she left all my blood alone. She was respectful, calm, and comforting.

My in-laws are great. Since I was at their house when it started, MIL drove me home, and FIL made sure my dog had a chance to play. They’re also in the business of soup delivery tonight. We’re grateful.

My mom and I are probably more alike than I realize. When I answered the phone and said “Don’t say you’re sorry” she understood completely. I can keep it together right up until the point where I get sympathy. (Note, you may sympathize online, I just have trouble with it in person).

The ultrasound tech was helpful. I told her I’m the type of gal who needs to understand. So she walked me through every step, every organ, every angle. I could ask her questions and she gave me straight answers. And let me cry. It was appreciated.

The on-call doctor was subjected to our gallows humor. She advised us not to have sex for a week or two and I turned to my husband with my red eyes and snotty nose and said “Good thing you’ll be at the coast. Because I’m really hot right now.” Since it’s my second miscarriage, she ordered a panel of blood tests to see if we can prevent this in the future. But told me that my odds are not statistically worse for next time. Hopefully next time comes soon.

Perhaps the best thing to happen today was this: a car with a black lab and a chocolate lab puppy parked next to our car.  I walked out of the most depressing doctor’s visit of my life and there were puppies to love. I got to squish the wrinkles on a puppy head and smell puppy breath and just love it. Puppies have the rare power to make you completely happy, if only for a few moments. It was such a welcome relief. Divine puppy intervention.

Now we are home. We’ll likely spend the evening eating soup and watching all the funny videos my dear friend sent me. You are welcome and encouraged to add to that list in the comments.


6 thoughts on “Low

  1. Much love. Let us know when you’re up for a phone call (because I know I wasn’t for the first while).

    Videos for you.
    Japanese pranks are weird, man: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=losfuQxqfi8
    Other pranks are fun, too: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6PKQE8FM2Uw
    Next time we’re stuck in Dallas overnight: http://vimeo.com/25065599

    And these ones aren’t videos but I found them amusing anyway.
    Sound of Music as told by the Baroness: http://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/i-regret-to-inform-you-that-my-wedding-to-captain-von-trapp-has-been-canceled
    Road hazard signs: http://graphjam.memebase.com/2011/06/21/funny-graphs-the-world-is-more-dangerous-than-i-thought/

  2. Thinking of you and extending hugs and sympathy. And hopes for another, this time less stressful, pregnancy soon.
    I’m on my phone, so I don’t have links for videos, but continuing the Darias seems pretty important. I think you should get yourself to an amusement park soon -that is if you like roller coasters. Get some wild endorphins going.
    I hope you keep writing, even if it’s not maternity based. I enjoy your voice 🙂

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