Angry but Honest

Warning, angsty post ahead. Not quite as angsty as the 5th Harry Potter book, but still pretty bad. I’ll lighten up later. Promise.

I’m doing alright now. I’ve finally stopped bleeding. Miscarriage is no longer my first thought upon waking. I can interact with people generally well. Yup, I do okay.

Until I’m suddenly, violently NOT okay.

I haven’t felt this emotionally unstable since middle school. I hope this is due more to fluctuating hormones than an actual loss of sanity as I believed it was yesterday. But underneath feeling okay, I’m steaming, screaming angry. I begged God for this one to work. But knowing that shit happens, I begged that if it HAD to end, it would end early.

Not a few short weeks before my second trimester. Not after I had thought of names and wrote it letters and saw its heart beat. Not after I had become so stupidly attached.

But I believe God is a parent. Not some nebulous higher being, but a parent. And like any petulant middle schooler, I’m comfortable being angry with my parents. So even though it’s not The Proper Way to Behave, I direct my angst and anger at my heavenly father. It’s either that or lie. Or ignore him. Right now the only way I know how to show love is to be honest. I know it must sound heretical and blasphemous, but I have stopped caring. If I try to be the way I’m supposed to be, I find that I’m not genuine.

And believe it or not, God can still send revelation and insight even when you’re mad at him. As long as you’re still telling him you’re mad at him. Last night I was angrypraying, and wailing inaudibly that he took such happiness away from me. When I realized that despite everything, I had been happy. Those pregnant weeks were some of the happiest in my life. And if it had ended sooner, I would not have experienced them. So even though I’m angry, I’m thankful.

I had 10 weeks. I just need 30 more next time.

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4 thoughts on “Angry but Honest

  1. I actually love the way you put this—all of this—and I think it’s spot on. Here’s hoping you don’t have to feel stuck in middle school too long. Praying for you and your 30 more weeks next time.

  2. I’m with Elliespen on this one. And I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being angry with God. It’s a normal, natural part of life. And of suffering. You can’t deny or bury your anger. If you do, it will never go away. I think it’s when anger turns into hatred that you have a problem, and you clearly haven’t gone that route.

  3. I have been angry with God in the past. I have expressed anger to God many times in the past. If you are angry with him, trying to hide that anger is kind of futile anyway you know with the whole omniscience thing and all. I think it is much better to just be honest with God no matter what those feelings are.

  4. You’re absolutely allowed to be angry with God. So many of the psalms are laments, not being Mormon I don’t know if the BoM has any examples, but absolutely, direct your angst that way. We Daria lovers fine tuned those skills as teenagers and shouldn’t let them get rusty as adults 😉 I do believe though, that in all of this, God is feeling angsty right along with you.

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