The Booty Call

Trying to concieve while your husband works 150 miles away and lives on the jobsite 4 days a week can get awkward. Or awesome. Your pick.

So it was Wednesday evening when I made my first ever booty call. I haven’t been temping this cycle, so I rely on my less trusty, but more thrusty cervical mucous to tell me when it’s about time. Cervical mucous increases near ovulation and takes on that stretchy texture. It’s truly a joy to behold and makes wiping with single ply toiletpaper a relative breeze compared to the less-lubed times of the month. When my hand nearly whacked the toilet seat as I wiped my well-lubed-ladybits, I made the call to have him meet me at the half way point….also known as my parents’ house.

Me: “Hey hun…so…is there any possible reason you might need to come into town tomorrow for construction supplies or…wood?….or something?”

Him: “Well, no. But one of the shop guys needs a ride up here tomorrow. I was going to send Jason–”

Me: “No. You! You can give me a ride. I mean…him. Give him a ride tomorrow. But you need to come into town tonight. And I’ll meet you there.”

Him: “It really would be more convenient to send Ja–”

Me: “You’ll get laid.”

Him: “See you tonight.”

When we arrived at my parents house, my parents, who I pray were oblivious to my designs, cornered us into a long conversation about their recent trip. “Do you want to hear about the food!?” they asked.

“No.”

“We ate at Emeril’s! It was soooooooo good. BAM!”

“I’ll bet…look…”

But by then it was too late. My husband had already been sucked into a Nerf war with my 9 year old brother. The war had complicated rules and bases and the most I saw of my husband for an hour was when he darted past us in the living room with a tow-headed 9 year old and three dogs chasing after him. When the battle was ensuing I heard about every little item my mom purchased on her trip and ever last sauce that Emeril made.

Finally it was bedtime. The only room available at the inn that night was adjacent to my parents’ bedroom. Its last occupant was my teenage cousin who is working for my dad this summer. We had to change the sheets and stumble over a mountain dew bottle, but eventually we settled in.

“So…” I said as he removed his shoes, “you must have…worked really hard today.”

“Fine. I’ll shower.”

And he did. While he was away, I sat fully clothed on the guest bed trying to figure out the quietest way to do it. I lined the back of the headboard with a couple towels, but it still rattled like an off-balance washing machine from the ’60’s. Eventually I got on my knees and tested various thrusting angles. As it turns out, vertical thrusting (lengthwise along the bed) was MUCH noisier than horizontal thrusting. I felt like a scientist. So proud was I of my discovery that I demonstrated it for my husband who thought I was insane. But I pretended he thought it was adorable.

The whole situation was so hysterically funny to the both of us that we forgot for a moment that we were attempting to make a human. A real live human. And we forgot that if our attempt was successful we would get a crying, burping, pooping, child who would rely on us for everything for a minimum of 18 years.

Tune in next time for more attempts at procreation.

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10 thoughts on “The Booty Call

  1. I laughed loudly enough at this that I woke up Eli. I’m not sure if it was the detailed descriptions of cervical mucous, or the experimenting with what positions made the least sound, but this was pretty hilarious.

    Happy ovulation.

  2. Ha! This is so funny. This so sounds like something we would do. Can I just say that your blog gives me one place to find sanity in this world!! Thank you!

  3. I stand by my comment from the last post.

    My favorite is ” it would really be more convenient to send Ja-“. So many snarky responses come to mind.

  4. This reminds me of my wedding night. My husband had booked a room at a historical inn, with all ANTIQUE furniture… so every time we tried to get it on there was this loud creaking noise that I was certain every one around us could hear. We eventually ended up on a couch because I couldn’t handle the noise any more! lol.

  5. Delurking to say I found this post hilarious (found my way over from FMH some time ago.) I love your scientific approach to bed-quieting. I think I also have this post to thank for my weird dream last night about pregnancy stuff (contrary to my in-laws wishes, we are waiting until my PhD is done to try for offspring, so it wasn’t a real-life dream) but it’s ok because it ended with me fighting space aliens while flying in my childhood backyard, which was really awesome.

    Anyhow, random stranger rooting for you from the east coast. Which sounds sort of creepy. Sorry.

  6. This story was awesome and made me really nostalgic for Geek Out Nights, which was previously the most likely venue for sharing such a tale.

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