Last week we ate dinner with some friends. Somehow my reproductive system came up in conversation, as it often does, and we indicated that I was ovulating not the next week, but that week. Sometime during that weekend, in fact. So the jokes about us needing to go home early began. And not entirely in jest. When we left that night, we left the largest group of people aware of our imminent intercourse since our wedding nearly four years ago. But we didn’t leave without a few tips to help us through the night.
My friend, Mhana, received a truly awful sex book for her wedding and graciously lent us the pink manual on the condition that I share the misguided sex tips on this blog. The book spends an inordinate amount of time on quickies and seated positions. Other times, it has tips that make no sense. Like this one:
Tip 60- “SECOND CLIMAXES
Follow the next few tips and you’ll climax before you finish reading this sentence…”
Wait? That sentence? I don’t know about you folks, but it didn’t work for me. A sense of humor is a definite turn on…but this:
Tip 123 – “Giving a wedgie during foreplay…can be very sexy.”
Is not sexy. How about a sense of danger? Tip 83 is for you:
Tip 83 – “Do it on a roller coaster.”
No. I’m not making these up. This book is THAT bad. Here’s a great one for Mormon women:
Tip 62 – “When you’re 0ut in a public place, disappear for a few minutes then, when you return, hand him your panties.”
Yes. Panties so large, you may want to hand him those panties with both hands. If he doesn’t get the hint from that, try this:
Tip 58 – “Try blinking in time to his breathing– it’s like flashing the word SEX in front of his eyes.”
Subtle. Unless you want to use eyeliner to actually write the word out, I don’t think he’s going to get it. Needless to say, we’ve failed to incorporate any of these tips into our love life yet. But I’ll try one of them out, keep you updated if you promise to do the same.