Fourth Anniversary

I gave God two options on Monday: 1. That this bleeding thing was all some giant mistake and the baby was healthy and I could be like these women who could pass giant clots and bleed profusely and still somehow manage to have healthy babies. Or, 2. That if the baby could not survive, they end it now.  I think it was a good system in that I had something to be grateful for at the end of the day. I am grateful that it ended quickly. That I only bought two maternity outfits. That I still have the receipt. That I still have, let’s see…one month left in which to conceive so that I can deliver a baby before my amazing insurance runs out.

I am depressed. I am in mourning. But another part of me has switched in to fighting mode and I’m finding this third loss highly practical. I was immediately on the phone with the midwives and the doctor and the fertility specialist. Before noon on Tuesday I had already researched and called 3 adoption agencies.  I had bawled on the phone with the fertility people. By 5:00 PM the same day, I gave up on both options. Adoption is too damn expensive. Fertility treatments are too damn expensive. I’m better off financially buying private insurance and trying and failing for three years straight before I pursue either of those options.  (And don’t recommend LDS Family Services to me. Their hoops and birthmother harassment are hardly worth the price tag.)

Maybe it’s a failure to cope with my emotions, but I’m doing better than last time. I even got out of the house for our fourth anniversary today. Since it was doomed to be sexless, crampy, and miserable, we devoted the day to doing nice things for others. It was a perfect way to end what was, without question, the hardest, shittiest year we ever hope to endure together. (And before you think I’m being dramatic, my dog nearly died, we had two miscarriages, our crap got stolen, our renters trashed our house, every damn thing we owned seemed to break down (from dishwasher to computer to fridge to truck to washer and dryer!) and require expensive repair or replacement, my husband spent the entire summer living away from me and I spent the entire summer without work. And that’s just the stuff I feel comfortable sharing online.)

One of the “nice things” we did was visit my old doctor’s office. You know. The sucky ones. We brought 3 bouquets (or “bow-kays” as is believed by some Eugenian shop owners), candles and cards–in honor of the three miscarriages. I brought them to the front desk and explained that I wanted the nurses to give them to women who were suffering from a pregnancy loss. They were really sweet and fully embraced the idea and promised to hand them out. They see so many women, and so many women have miscarriages, I’m guessing they’re already gone now. The cards were difficult to write and I sobbed through them like anyone would. I hope the message and the gift helps. A few of you sent me flowers and gifts and I can’t tell you how nice it was to be thought of and have something to distract me.

Anyway. Sexless though this anniversary might  be, I believe I owe a little bit of love and affection to my wonderful, supportive, sweet, amazing, incredibly woozy husband who donated a pint of blood today for the both of us.

Thank you for your prayers. Yesterday I felt like I would never be happy again, and today I’m feeling like it’s possible.




6 thoughts on “Fourth Anniversary

  1. What an amazing, wonderful idea for your anniversary. That is SO cool. I am so glad to hear you are feeling slightly upwards of bottomless pit level. I will keep praying for you. Love.

  2. I had one of those “why didn’t I think of that?” moments while reading this. What an amazing thing to do! Way to be inspiring when down in the dumps. I hope this passes quickly for you.

  3. I ache for you, friend. Your anniversary of doing nice things is a wonderful idea, particularly the care packages for those suffering from pregnancy loss.

    We are here for you and love you. You and your husband are family to us, and I’m working on a plan to get us up to see you as soon as possible.

  4. What a good idea for an anniversary. I am happy you have blogged again, i feel like I know what is going on inside and it helps me understand more. Also, please please tell me husband didn’t donate TWO pints of blood. Enough is enough. Did you enjoy the free cookies at hte blood bank? They are my favorite part.

  5. I am glad that it’s possible. I also love your idea, and I’m sure that it helped those other women feel that goodness and light are possible again, too. We love you and we’re here for you if you need anything at all.

  6. Maret I loved that you chose to serve others on your anniversary. What a great idea! I’m sure you were an answer to those women’s prayers. You rock.

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