So weird things have happened. Baby is fine. Amazing. Sleeping at night for 5 and 6 and even one 7.5 hour chunk for three days now. The tradeoff has been that he is weirdly and intensely cranky during the day time. But he still has “Happy Boy Time” which lasts an hour at around 9:30 or 10:00 AM. And I swear I have fallen in love with him. We had our first family photoshoot. He’s two months old and 13.5 lbs (not 15 as I believed. Phew.) And the end of my maternity leave is in sight.
The day I decided I would start to slowly ease back into work is apparently this Friday. Holy. Cow. I thought the day would never come, and here it is. And I’m not sure what I think of it. About my work: it’s essentially a high-paying part time job (and by “high paying” I mean high paying as part time jobs go, not ACTUALLY high paying). The best part about it for my current lifestyle is the only time I really would need child care is when I’m meeting with clients which is less than 1/3rd of my total work time. So you see, for me being a working mom is relatively easy.
Until this firm contacted me needing someone who does essentially the same things that I do. Unwilling to shut any doors, I agreed to go to lunch with them. We hit it off, big time. I will put this in terms of dating. Law firm will be referred to as…let’s see…Jude Law, and I will be me. Okay:
Jude Law saw my online profile. Even though my profile says I’m just interested in being friends right now, Jude Law started emailing me. Then he asked me out to lunch. Though it has it’s ups and downs, I am relatively happy in my current relationship. But I thought, why not? After all, I had a major crush on Jude Law and his friends years ago, and all he gave me at that time were rejection letters.
So Jude Law and I met up for lunch. We really had fun together. We grew up in the same town and have all the same interests and desires. It looks like he is getting serious about starting a relationship with someone. And from how wonderful our lunch was together, it’s clear he’s thinking about me. He said he wanted a partner after a couple of years. He even asked me to come over and meet his entire family.
I have mixed feelings about it. My current relationship is fine, but it’s scary how unpredictable it can be. One month it’s like, hey baby I love you! Here’s a ton of money, buy something pretty for yourself. And the next month I’m lucky if I get any calls.
…Okay it’s clear this metaphor is breaking down. But long story short, I might get an unexpected job offer to work full time and be high-powered and businessy RIGHT EXACTLY when I planned on being lazy and snuggling my boy from dawn until dusk except when I’m doing a little part time work. I don’t know what I want right now. In the space of an hour I go from deciding to definitely reject the offer so I can dance with him and the dog in the living room and take 10,000 iPhone pictures of him smiling to OH MY GOSH, I COULD PAY A NANNY TO HOLD THIS CRAZY KID WHO IS FREAKING OUT FOR NO REASON.
There is so much that I love about being home with him. The lazy snuggle/nurse sessions in bed in the early morning. That time of day around 10 AM where he is the happiest, cutest, most adorable, funniest baby I’ve ever seen. The constant and unlimited access to his chubby cheeks. But it’s a slog sometimes. I never wanted to be a stay at home mom, and I don’t believe that kids need 24/7 mom access, so I thought my part time solution would work. And it sort of does, but it’s also so lonely and so unpredictable. And dang it, I want a retirement plan that isn’t 100% me. And I’m a much happier person when I have something to get up and go do, when I have purpose outside my home, when I’m around peers who make me better. He deserves a happy mom. And I deserve to be happy.
I’m just hopelessly lost about which path will make me the happiest. 40 + hours a week away from him while breastfeeding and while he’s so young seems impossibly, heart wrenchingly difficult. But a job at a firm is what I thought I wanted for a long, long time. So I don’t know. I seriously, seriously do not know.
And perhaps this is all premature. Jude Law may find another hot item while I’m over here dithering and it all may be a foregone conclusion. Some days I just hope this is the case so I don’t have to decide. Anyway, I meet “the family” tomorrow. Wish me luck to find all the information I need to make an informed and reasonable decision that will ultimately lead me and my family to being happy.